It is Time

As I explained in my writings before, I have committed my career to making a difference in this world. I am taking the early stages of my writing career seriously, and one of the biggest lessons I have learned in doing so, is the power of my own journey. Changing the world is not done by just TELLING people, it happens by SHOWING them.

In my life, I am not just inspired by the ones who tell me I can do hard things, I am inspired by the ones who actually do them.

Becoming the best version of myself is the way I can create real change. People are moved by actions, not just words. Once I realized this, I understood why God placed me in every difficult situation I have faced. I have never given up, only chose to grow through every experience. I feel the evolution God puts me through, I see the POWER in evolution and change. But I also see the challenge.

Now, with that growth, comes the responsibility of acknowledging my past. That means I must share the darkest lessons of my journey as well, the ones that haunt me at night. And there is one lesson I have learned that haunts me. It fills my heart with guilt, shame, and regret. To say I have no regrets in life would be foolish because this is definitely one. And the more I learn, the heavier this regret becomes.

I always knew I would write about this one day. I was just waiting for the right time, when I actually knew what to say. And tonight is the night, or morning. It is currently midnight on a random Wednesday, well technically Thursday. Anyways, right now the regret is so heavy it feels like I must speak about it in this moment. I must write about this, and I truly want to. I have no right to sit behind a screen and write about all the good in my life without sharing the bad too. The ugly. Without sharing my deepest truths.

This scares me because it is vulnerable, but I cannot live keeping it in anymore, I do not deserve to. And more importantly, I know that real change requires people from all walks of life to share their experiences. Those who relate to me may never share their stories. But I will. Because not only do I need to say sorry, I need to see change.

I grew up in a small, predominantly white, community. My high school was 83.9% white, with a minority enrollment of 16%. 11.2% of students being Hispanic, 2.5% multiracial, 0.7% Black, and 0.1% Asian. Different websites may report slightly different statistics, but the reality remains: diversity was limited.

I went to a really small elementary school and I remember entering middle school nervous, it felt huge compared to where I went to elementary school. In middle school and high school, we were taught about slavery. There were lessons about the Native Americans as well, and that was pretty much it. Any conversation about race and ethnicity barely scratched the surface. We never learned or discussed the lasting effects of history. And we did not explore racism in today’s world. If there was a small conversation it did not involve emotion, passion, or TRUTH.

I do not know who is exactly to blame for this. But I do know the education system carries a heavy responsibility. And so do all of us who were raised within it. Because when students aren’t given real education, they absorb whatever culture surrounds them. So many people today argue race should not be talked about in our classrooms, but look at the effect it has on our children when not taught. I am literally here saying I was not taught in middle school or high school, and I wish I was. The cycle of ignorance and harm often starts with students who, due to improper education, unknowingly perpetuate harmful ideas.

I never had any hate in my heart, but I now recognize my words had power. I am not sharing this message because I got “canceled” or am looking for self-absolution. I am writing this because I have lived the experience of ignorance, and I have actively seen where change needs to happen.

I grew up without real conversations about race, history, and the power of language, so I was left to absorb culture. And with a culture that was predominantly white, a town where diversity was limited, it was filled with ignorance. This ignorance was not always intentional, but so very harmful.

I have said things about other races, cultures, and ethnic groups in the past I am beyond ashamed of. These words haunt me, not out of fear of exposure, but because I cannot believe I ever said them. I cannot even understand my mindset at the time.

I knew not to say these things directly to someone’s face to hurt them. But I didn’t understand the harm of using such language online, especially among those who weren’t part of those communities. We felt like we could just say whatever we wanted with no consequence and no disrespect because no one was reading these things. But the truth is, we were feeding each other’s ignorance.

This is where things get DANGEROUS. When you have a whole community of white people feeding each other’s ignorance without consequence or understanding they are even being ignorant. Students would get caught online saying racist things and maybe get suspended, but the TRUE cause of these things never changed. The education.

I think about when I first entered the “big school,” middle school. I think about how I felt walking those hallways just scared to be with so many students. But now I imagine being a student of a racial minority group walking those halls. For example, I imagine sitting in a majority white classroom learning about my culture ONLY through the lens of slavery. How much MORE isolated would I feel?

Now, I imagine being one of the white students in that classroom. If I had been taught with real depth and truth, wouldn’t I have naturally developed more empathy for my classmates who come from a different background than me?

Education is everything.

Especially because not every child learns about these things at home. Some are even taught the complete opposite. I never heard my parents say anything racist, but I knew whose parents did. Now imagine hearing that from an adult as a child, think about how quickly that shapes your perspective on the world.

I am disgusted by what I once thought was ok to say, or what I thought would never be seen.

To anyone who may have heard my words or was hurt by them: I am so deeply sorry and ashamed. I will carry this regret forever. But what troubles me even more is that some people never feel guilt. Some never change.

True accountability is not just saying, “Oh, I should not have said that. I will never do it again. Hopefully, I do not get canceled.”

True accountably is acknowledging, understanding, changing, educating, and teaching.

Ignorance is not an excuse, not being educated is not an excuse. It may be an explanation, but we still have a responsibility to do better. Because when you take responsibility, you help prevent the next person from making the same mistakes. And that prevents the next person from experiencing the same harm.

I have grown. I have grown to see the racism in my community and in our world. I have grown to understand it is present in the most awful ways.

Later in my high school career my eyes began to open, I started to stand up and realize more. When I was in my senior year of high school I had a history teacher who truly was not afraid to teach the truth. He opened my eyes, he educated me on things I had never even heard of.

When I graduated and went to college I was more open to learn. It was not until my friend group in college became more diverse that I really saw the other side. I also started to take more classes that exposed me to the truth. I was surrounded by people from different backgrounds and cultures. Ignorance was no longer in power, and I loved it. I honestly felt more free.

Now that I have seen both sides, I know that change is possible.

But here is how it starts:

We have to stop making this about being worried to get canceled. Because the real concern is not about the person committing the hate, it is the harm done to entire generations of people who have been fighting for respect, rights, and belonging.

We need to break this cycle as a whole; intent does not erase impact.

We must not use our guilt to hide, but to push ourselves to become better. We must keep having these conversations. We must keep learning and using our voices.

Real change will come when those who have caused harm take responsibility, so the disrespected no longer have to fight for the respect they always deserved.